emo....

haha. time to reflect. so i post. its all blabbering. dont waste your time reading unless you wanna emo.

i've been doing it unknowingly. a 9 to 5 job everyday. then soon i'll start getting tired again. and the flame will die and i'll run away once again. i hate posting these stuff. but i guess even the saddest thing will come outta my mouth and sound like a joke, just because i dont want to agree that it is sad. that i feel sad, and i dont wanna admit that sometimes i wanna wallow in sadness too, to cry with no reason, to feel even a bit that i'm giving out negative energy and that i'm may be another emo bitch.

ah i guess my PMS is getting at me. BAH! so BEWARE. NEGATIVE ENERGY incoming!!

been reading blogs of my fellow "artist" and suddenly i realise that i've once again lost something that i cannot describe. but for good or for worse, it's hard to decide. to survive? or to live? i hate that question! to survive. i find myself saying, even though i encourage everyone to live, cheer them on to. but here i am surviving, and it's been like this for a while. i've "matured"? i've become so accustomed to it, to bursting my dream bubbles, to planning realistically, to working in order, to being politically correct, to smiling so sincerely even when i don't mean it, to saying "jia you" and push myself on no matter what.所以我真的开心吗？面对躲着的自己.

i miss my dreams, i miss the mess, i miss the carefreeness. i guess this is the price that comes with growing up.

maybe i should mop the floor wet with soap with cloth, then kneel on it and slide around the house assuming i'm cleaning the house with my brother.

maybe i should share a room with my brother again. then draw a colorful castle around my bed and a window that opens into my brother's zen and posh castle.

maybe i should build a better paper phone to contact my brother to scheme another illegal late night up.

maybe i should dance again.

maybe i should play bball again, scream for my teammates and sing like idiots the way home.

maybe i should remember enjoying bowling games.

maybe i should remember how i jumped up with joy and screamed "OMG! YES YES YES!", when i read the ADM admission letter that came to my letterbox, in public.

maybe i should just let god decide and i'll slack.

and if the sky falls i'll take it as a blanket.

i guess i finally understand why i cry everytime i go to church. any church. but then again, i guess i still will when i go again. if i go again.

then again all this aside. my day-off is over.
SO! BACK TO WORK!

jia you shiqi! miss SQ.

posted by xiaoqi.sq @ 1:05 AM